Normal

The whole time in my mid to late 20's and into my 30's I felt like I wasn't normal because all of my friends were getting married and having kids. And I wanted to be married. I was ready for it, capable of it and unsure as to why it wasn't happening. I can recall many nights lamenting to friends, asking why I wasn't normal. Why can't I just have a normal life? I'm okay with being bored at home on the couch on Thursday night with my husband. (I distinctly remember Ann telling me I COULD be married. That guy over there will marry you. But you don't want him. You have standards.)

But, when I look back at my life I see that I've pretty much never been normal and now I find myself still not feeling completely normal.

I was always big and tall. I haven't grown much since 5th grade in terms of height. My school photos from grade 5-8 have me in the middle riser to even out with the kids in the back riser. I am not joking.

Not normal.

I was a tom boy/jock type in high school. Never wore make up, did more than a pony tail, or wore women's clothes really. Just like jeans or tear away pants with a basketball t-shirt. (At the time they didn't really make pants in "long" anyways so I had to buy men's jeans.) Starting in about grade 4, I would come home from school and watch Oprah. I didn't stop until she went off the air. When Michael Jordan played his last game and retired I was home alone, thank God, and bawled my eyes out.

Not normal.

I went to university to be a teacher and feel like I never really had a good go at it having taught at schools where I didn't feel I was fully using my Education degree. So I went into post-secondary administration and then left that to go back to teaching pre-school for a year in Korea . . .  Who am I?

And so here I am, eloped to a man that my family or friends back home have never met (aside from video chats), moving away from the city where we met back to my hometown, where we will be apart for at least a few months, if not many, many months.

But you know what? I feel totally normal. I am so happy with what I have. I married Kenneth because I love him and he loves me but also because I knew it was right. We didn't NEED to get married when we did. We could have taken other measures, other routes to get where we want to be. But, we chose to get married because it felt normal. Many times after we got married he'd ask me how I felt and I'd say, "I just feel normal. I thought it would be this big grand thing with fireworks and excitement. But it just feels good." Typing that makes me sound like a real Debbie Downer, which is not what I mean. I don't need fireworks and puppies and rainbows shooting out of a cannon to feel loved. I get his security and strength and complete calm in any situation. That is what I need and what I have.

So normal.

Lots of love as I sign off for the last time from South Korea,

Alli